I thought I had self love down. Well, that was until I realized there was still a lot I didn't like about myself.
I had followed all the self-love blogs and articles to a tee, mimicked all their steps, and even left myself nice notes on my bathroom mirror everyday, yet I still found there were parts of me I wanted to change.
Was I Missing Something?
Maybe it was the perfectionist in me, but I could only see the things that were wrong. In my eyes, the bad outweighed the good.
Dear reader,
Let me start out by saying that this "Mid-Journey Crisis" I had on my way to complete self love happened just a few months ago, and since then I have been rethinking a bit how to continue successfully on the self-love path. The crisis happened because I was in the middle of spring semester in college, working almost 30 hours a week, trying to have a social life, trying to be involved in my church community, and trying to exercise and get enough sleep. That's a lot to keep up everyday, right? And I'm not even married or have a pet, let alone kids.
I remember going to the gym one night, and for some reason that day, I felt so inadequate and plain compared to the other girls there. I had been consistent in exercising most days so why wasn't I seeing noticeable change? I had been working really hard on regaining the muscle tone in my left leg since leaving physical therapy, but my quad seemed just as weak as the month before. As I got home from the gym and went over my to-do list, I also realized I was behind in my school work and that I hadn't accomplished even half of what I had wanted to that day.
Was I missing something? Frustrated tears brimmed in my eyes. Looking at myself and how I had been doing over the past couple months with loving myself, I saw a little bit of progress, but it was outweighed by how I wasn't measuring up. There were still parts I truly didn't like about myself.
Life can seem pretty discouraging at times for a number of reasons, especially when someone (or ourselves) show us our faults. When we realize we aren't where we want to be, it is easy to beat ourselves up, pick apart our flaws, and call ourselves names. But I have one question for you, would you ever treat a friend this way? If you saw your close friend mess up, would tear them down and talk so cruelly to them? Of course you wouldn't. Your immediate reaction would be to give them the benefit of the doubt, encourage them, and try to cheer them up.
There are three concepts I want to cover today. The first is perfectionism. We are all perfectionists to a degree, but there are some healthy and unhealthy practices related to this, and I want will discuss them below. The second topic is discouragement, and the third is its close yet overwhelmingly superior cousin, divine discontent.
The Art of Healthy Perfectionism
Picture this: Your boss calls you into their office one day and tells you nine things you have been doing great. Then they tell you a tenth thing you could improve, ask you what you think, and then encourage you to work on it. Instead of focusing on the nine, yes NINE whole things you are doing amazing, it is natural to focus on the one thing that isn't amazing. This is a form of perfectionism--and it's something we are all guilty of. It is letting the one aspect of ourselves that isn't perfect overcloud the hundred other things that are. Don't get me wrong, it is good and even healthy to not be satisfied with where you are now, but there has to be a balance.
If you only focused on what your boss had told you to improve on and started attacking your character and worth because of it, it would quickly turn into unhealthy perfectionism. But if you were in turn to set high standards for yourself at work, have a goal of what to improve on, and then be realistic and patient with yourself, your progress would be greatly enhanced. Check out this article for more info on how healthy perfectionism: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-perfectionism-2510538.
What is Discouragement?
Discouragement is defined as a loss of confidence or enthusiasm.
Discouragement is a result of unhealthy perfectionism. It is only seeing the bad when what we actually need to do is put that "bad" into perspective with the overwhelming good that exists in and around us. It is listening to the voices of the world and media around us that tell us we will never be enough, physically, mentally, and socially. A loss of confidence is a loss of belief in our ability to change. It is when we attack our character instead of realizing that we are not the sum of our actions. This attack we make on our character and self worth leads to a loss of enthusiasm, or the loss of a desire to keep trying. Both of these losses can lead to dangerous things such as self loathing, constant worrying, unhealthy self image, and even depression.
Discouragement Vs. Divine Discontent
Divine discontent, which can also be called healthy perfectionism, can oftentimes be confused with discouragement, but it is instead the healthy desire to change and become better that is within each of us. In her article, Divine Discontent, Michelle D Craig says, "Divine discontent comes when we compare “what we are [to] what we have the power to become.” Each of us, if we are honest, feels a gap between where and who we are, and where and who we want to become. (Watch “Our Divine Destiny.”) We yearn for greater personal capacity." This can be applied to mental, emotional, and physical things we might not like about ourselves now.
The word "divine" refers to the innate desire within us that wants to become better. While discouragement leads to self loathing and self pity, divine discontent helps us realize that while we are not complacent with where we are, we know we can, with patience and effort, become who we long to be. This leads to the meaning of the word "discontent," which is to not be content with our current state. This plants the seeds of greatness within in and gives us the enthusiasm to go forward despite set backs and obstacles.
Divine discontent also applies to our personal journey to complete self love. I mistakenly thought that after doing all the "check marks" from the blog articles I had read that I would magically love every part of myself. But that is not how journeys work. They take take time, effort, and oftentimes tears to successfully complete. And some journeys take a lifetime.
But remember that self love does not give way to pride, self boasting, and selfishness. A proven way to increase self love and our own personal progress is to turn outward instead of inward and focus on those around us.
A Daily Realignment
What I learned that night after the gym and what I have continued to learn during the months since then is that we need to be constantly realigning our thoughts and mind set to be able to be on the path of divine discontent instead of the destructive one of discouragement, which ultimately leads to self loathing.
As I mentioned in my previous blog post about loving yourself completely, to love yourself means to recognize that you are a physical, emotional, and spiritual being with faults and strengths who deserves as much love as the next person. Do not listen to the voices that tell you you will never be enough. Instead, put the things you want to improve in perspective while acknowledging the things you already like about yourself and are doing right. Then make a plan to change, and be patient with yourself. I hope this helped in the ever-going journey of self acceptance and complete self love.
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